wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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