Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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