Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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