It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
