My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i now understand why vodka
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
