Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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