I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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