As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I can't turn off my feet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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