Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
