Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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