i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
smell my finger.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
