I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
