totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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