she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
handjob tips. give me some.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
how drunk are you?
Several
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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