Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
