i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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