A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
