Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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