Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
