i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm really busy with my period
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
