You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
