GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So here I am, sexting at work.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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