he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
