I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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