Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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