i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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