You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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