So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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