I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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