Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
