T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I believe in your delicious
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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