it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
