He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
