Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
