Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
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You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
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Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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