Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it's like iHOP with fire
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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