overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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