So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
