I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
