He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
