i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
