My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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