it was like his penis was on wheels.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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