Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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