the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
