so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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