i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
even my farts smell like vagina
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
