That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
