is your mom at the bar?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
