Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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