I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
