Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
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I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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