Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
