apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you told grandpa to call you daddy
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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