the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
