So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
