I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
