so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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