Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
