our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
