The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
